Ode To My Son, Adunijeh
And when you’d wake up
You’d look for me and smile
And your smile beamed like the sun
So brilliantly shining in my direction
Meant just for me and me alone
You knew I was your mom
I knew you were my son
The bond between was there
Though they trampeled upon it hard
My soul anxiously waited, yearned for those precious moments
My heart exploded simultaneously with pain and joy
Because it wasn’t the recognized, respected, admired, connection, between a mother and HER child, that it was
And because those moments where we both breathed our bond, were like manna from heaven
They punctuated the reality of our relationship and reminded me I was indeed worthy, and you, your eyes, your smile, your face, all of you, the full, perfect, innocent beauty of you
Enriched me with a new, glorious purpose
You gave depth to my value
And even though we’re not together
And it’s been so long we’ve been apart
Even if I wont ever be with you again
Even if you never loved me again
Even if you hated me
Please know that you are an immeasurable treasure
And if those good memories of you, and of our sacred, untainted time together
Is all I’m allowed
Is all I’m left with
You will still be worth it
Because I love you
And that’s never going to change
© J. L. D 2018 Love Letters To Our Children
I felt you. You were a pea. Then a lemon. Then an eggplant. I followed advice. I read twelve books. I quite coffee. Could you tell I was scared?
I talked to you, sang to you… I wasn’t ready.
But then you were here. Ten toes. Seven pounds.
Love. Big Fat love.
I held you. I fed you. I realized that I would spend my life doing things to make you happy- and that would make me happy.
And then there are the times I want to give up.
You’ve made me rethink my sanity. You’ve made me want to fall at my mother’s feet and tell her that I get it. But then you smile and you say my name….and you grab my hand with those little fingers.
We’re growing together.
We are seeing the world like it’s new. I will open my heart and love will rain down all over you.
You’ll giggle and I’ll do it all over again. And we will walk hand in hand until you let go. I made you, but you made me a mother.
Of all the rights of woman, the greatest is to be a mother― Lin Yutang
As we once again face the holidays, many protective mothers are without their precious children. The pain of having to live a life under these circumstances is unbearable.
We know because we also live it.
In times like this our grief and loss is felt three fold. Once for ourselves, once for our children and once for all the other protective mothers and children who one day found themselves in a nightmarish club of mothers in which they never wanted a membership- the Protective Mother.
In times like this we wish we could reach through our computers and give you a big warm nurturing hug. We wish we had a magic wand to wave and bring your children back. We wish we could erase the memory of the trauma and pain for both you and your children, heal you and make you whole and happy again.
If we could speak to your estranged child we would let them know how very special their mother is.
How she fought for you when she had nothing left in her to fight. How she spent years, and in some cases, decades putting her life on hold sacrificing her happiness, health and finances just to protect you from control, and abuse while keeping you safe in her arms.
Day after day dealing with attorneys, who betrayed and demeaned her, while quickly and greedily devouring her finances. Appearing in court before Judges who bullied and controlled her. Attending endless meetings with Evaluators, Therapists and Guardian Ad Litems who make her jump through impossible, and inhumane high hoops that your other parent was not forced to jump through.
Did she jump? Oh yes. Over and over and over again your protective mother twisted herself up, denied her pain , took the torture and abuse with a quiet smile on her face and a small exasperated sigh.
Lied on repeatedly , humiliated and abused your mother soldiered on, just for you- for the unstoppable, unconditional love your protective mother has for you runs deeper than anything you can ever imagine.
Isn’t this what heroes do? Heroes absorb the pain take the abuse and live the sacrifice, for the greater good. In this case , the greater good was protecting you.
We would tell these children that their mother is not just any mother, she is not just a single mother. Your mother is all that, yet so much more. Your Protective Mother is a beautiful light in this dark world, she is a warrior for truth and justice, she is an angel of love.
Yes, the greatest right for a woman is to be a mother, but for women who had this right unjustly stripped from them due to corruption, misogyny, ignorance, and greed, they had to claw , dig and sustain the deepest of wounds that may never heal from their nobel fight.Your Protective Mother was fueled by the fire of her deep love for you burning in her heart and soul. Your Protective Mother attempted to regain this right so both of you can be happy together, loving each other in peace and free from all forms of control and abuse. Your Protective Mother is not just any mother, she is a super mother -the quintessential hero.
For all the Protective Mothers this Holiday who are without their precious children, PMA International wants you to know- you have our love, respect, support and understanding – always. Here’s to a better New Year.
The PMA International Team